I'd like to blame the changes on Cindy, the new girl on the block. When she showed up on our front doorstep dressed like Madonna -- complete with a shiny gold Boy Toy belt buckle -- my parental popularity plummeted. No longer was I cool or pretty. Now, Cindy held those honors.

In all honesty, I really didn't care for this child who entered our home without knocking and helped herself to our refrigerator. Besides being rude, she loved to tease Meg to the point of tears. Yet, the more I voiced my disapproval, the more wonderful Cindy became in my daughter's eyes.

Mary Pipher (Reviving Ophelia, Ballantine Books, 1994) stated that when children immerse themselves in the world of their peers, "they cut themselves loose [from home base] without radio communications."

After two months, my parental ropes were frayed. Even Meg’s language developed Cindyisms. Meg would tell our dogs to "shut up" and call people on television "stupid." Forbidden words that she never uttered now flowed easily from her lips. What happened to all those years of training? Could one child have that much influence over another?

Judith Rich Harris, a maverick writer and theoretician, believes that it is peers not parents who have more influence on our children as they mature. The theory, based on studying the language acquisition of immigrant children, holds such credibility that the American Psychological Association cited her paper as one of the year' s most outstanding articles (reported in Psychology Today, January/February 1998).

In short, Harris states that when children of immigrants move to a foreign country, they learn to speak the new language. And, because it is the language of their peers, they adopt it as their native language. The primary language of the parents becomes secondary sometimes, lost forever.

Therefore, if peers have enough power to impact an attribute as pivotal as language, they also have the power to undermine the morals and values parents try to instill in them. In fact, Harris finds parental influence diminishes drastically over time until it reaches only into select areas such as religious affiliation and career choice.

My own dwindling influence over Meg became clearer and clearer as she opted to spend less time with the family and more time with Cindy. Sadly, if I failed to intervene quickly, I would end up with a Cindy clone on my hands.

Obviously, Meg was not interested in palling around with good-ol’-Mom anymore. She wanted to see and be seen with her friends. So, my task became to broaden that circle.

At first, I enrolled my daughter in everything possible. Dance lessons, swimming lessons, and theater classes. We ran frowned sun-up to sundown. By the end of the day, both are tongues dragged with exhaustion.

We scaled back and focused on dance lessons. Through dance, she met new friends and her circle widened. The girls called her and invited her to slumber parties and to the movies. The time spent with Cindy dropped dramatically.

Then, we included her new friends to dinner and vacations to the beach. The frequency of the smaller gatherings tightened the bond between my daughter and her new friends. Within weeks, the rude language dropped from her vocabulary. The plan worked. Ultimately, the time spent with Cindy diminished to a simple wave as we drove past her house.

Today, my daughter is a well-adjusted 15-year-old. The friends that we fostered through her younger years are the same girls she calls friends today. They share secrets, crushes and cry on each other's shoulders when their adolescent world comes crashing down. Sometimes she shares her hurts with me, and for those moments I am grateful. When she doesn't share with me, I know the advice her friends give her will be in line with what her father and I believe. After all, I did have a hand in choosing those friends.

Erin Pannell is a Licensed

Professional Counselor and Registered Play Therapist

Her parenting articles have appeared in the United

States, Canada and Australia. In addition to counseling,

she conducts workshops and lectures for parents,

educators and students.

Copyright (c) 2003 Erin Pannell, M.Ed, LPC, RPT

http://www.erinpannell.com/

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